Three and a half years ago we walked back into our home after a month long stay in the ICU, hundreds of seizures, brain surgery, and the loss of innocence and hope that comes with a new baby.
I walked through the house, my house, but I felt like an imposter. The girl that once lived there was gone. The girl that loaded the dishwasher (sometimes) and moved furniture around and looked at paint colors... The girl who left the house just a few weeks prior did not return. She didn't live there anymore. I walked through the halls slowly and the crime scene of my bedroom replayed the memories that I had shut down for weeks. I looked at my clothes, my shoes, my makeup... they didn't look like mine. None of this seemed to fit with the person that had returned. It belonged to someone else. She was silly and petty and naive and simple. And she was gone. Since then I have said goodbye to a few versions of adult me... even as I go back to revisit videos and posts from Houston in December, I am shocked to say that She is not who I am today. She is strong. She is on it. She is ready. And really, I think I have gone soft. All this happiness and growth and normalcy has ruined the ninja-warrior that I had considered myself to be. At first I was disappointed. And still, I miss her strength. I miss her steadiness. I miss her drive. And then I realize that she can never be anything more than a ninja. You never hear about the other side of a ninja's life. Ninjas don't have hobbies, or friends, or family. Ninjas don't go on vacations. You don't hear about what church that ninja goes to. No, because if you are a ninja, that is all you can really be. I'm assuming there is a high burnout rate for us all. It really isn't a sustainable lifestyle, especially if you, like me, value connections with humans. But I had accepted that this may be my lot in life and I would do it with pride and honor (you know, like a ninja). But. You never know what will make you finally loosen that death grip on the sword. You never know when the release will come, but when it does and you are still standing there, lost and alone in the battlefield, you can finally just let go and walk away. You don't even hear your weapon hit the ground because you are already gone. Even with one foot still on the field, you have your eyes forward. And just like that... You are ready. Ready to join the world. Ready to be more. Ready to have more. And so, as we travel to Houston tomorrow for Luke's 3 month follow up, I wonder, "Who will be boarding that flight?" Will it be the girl that cries and eats chocolate while watching This is Us? Will it be the person who naps and snuggles and snacks and laughs? Or will it be the person who holds her child down and comforts him during the hour long hook up to the EEG? Will it be the person who doesn't need food or sleep or water, just coffee and a shower? Can those two people exist at the same time? Can a soft ninja exist and be successful? I mean, I guess, I shall expose the truth of my limited artistic exposure these days and reference, yet again, another animated classic, Kung Fu Panda. If that chubster could get his act together and defeat that brute of a leopard or whatever, then I should be able to Kung Fu my way through Houston again and be ready, albeit a little wobbly. If that pudgy little panda could have a heart and friends and an appetite, all the while developing some killer ninja moves, then by golly, I can, too. . So, there...it can happen. These two things, love and fight, can exist simultaneously. Crisis averted. Tomorrow I will try to travel to Houston armed with faith and hope instead of a sword. Tomorrow I will try to enjoy my time with my baby and my mom. Tomorrow, I will try out what it feels like to be Luke's mom and, this person I have become, otherwise known as Steph, at the same time.
10 Comments
Pat
3/25/2017 09:18:52 pm
Good luck on your trip to Houston. Will have you in my prayers for good news and a safe trip.
Reply
12/11/2018 06:26:12 pm
Luke is a strong kid, and we need to believe that! The kids has been through a lot, but we never heard him complain. That means, he is also fighting and the hope that he has is boundless. I know that this is a rough moment for you as his mom but you should be stronger than him. I know you are, and you need to be there for him. Sure thing, there will be moments wherein you will be questioning if you are doing enough or God is with you, and you should not worry. Because God is indeed with you in this battle you are in.
Reply
3/25/2017 09:20:39 pm
You got this sweetie! I will as always keep you and Luke in my prayers. God bless you kisses
Reply
Karen
3/25/2017 11:52:03 pm
Blessings to you as you travel to Houston. May God continue to hold you, Luke, and Patty near and dear! Love to all!
Reply
Byrds
3/26/2017 05:38:02 am
You ninjas got this!! We're keeping you in our prayers!
Reply
Amy campbell
3/26/2017 06:09:36 am
We all know your Wonder Woman shirt and cape lie beneath your trendy exterior, ready when needed. You got this! Prayers for good report and safe trip!
Reply
Marty Vass Townsend
3/26/2017 03:19:08 pm
Praying for a good report! You got this!
Reply
Valerie
3/26/2017 05:19:47 pm
Loved your the way you tell the story, God be you with you and Luke. Prayers.
Reply
Susan Miller
3/26/2017 06:36:11 pm
Stephanie, I pray for Luke and Yeam Like every day. Not only has he been blessed with great medical care but also with an amazing Mom who can be as many different people as he needs her to be. You will always be able to be who he needs you to be. God bless.
Reply
Leaha McCrite
3/27/2017 10:53:00 am
Hey Steph....you know I am not usually a reply-er......You also know I am always with you Sista!!
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMother of two amazing little boys, one who just happens to be a TS warrior. Categories
All
Previous Posts
May 2018
|